ironies of life

Well, before summer began I vowed that I'd read, write, and read some more when summer actually came around. I said to myself that I'd finish volumes of books in just a few days. I said I'd write a couple screenplays - feature length. But what happened? Summer came around and I decided to bum out. What a hypocrite I am, geez. I swear, hating school so much took much energy out of me. But perhaps it is necessary sometimes to just chill and do nothing. Often times I find that if I haven't accomplished anything for a while, when I get back to school I'm supercharged. But of course, that's not the most healthy way to handle that situation...That superchargedness fades after a bit anyways. Sad.

So how does one muster the motivation to actually read those volumes and write those screenplays?

Possibilities:

1. Motivation is like the wind. You can't really control it. You just wait for it and make the best use of it when it comes.

2. Motivation is not like the wind, but rather like the momentum of a heavy object. Once you start rolling it by doing something positive, more motivation follows! And so begins the healthy cycle of "doing".

3. Motivation is a hidden switch in our minds. One must figure out SOME way to trigger it - whether it be through constantly searching for inspiration, new ideas, etc. This type of motivation is much based on an individual's context - who he/she hangs around, what events he/she goes to, etc.

4. Motivation is a series of physiological reactions that occur in our brains. You can get more if it by taking some pills.

5. Motivation is...what the hell is it?

I like to think #2 is the most accurate answer. Yet it is still so hard to begin that process of moving. And I think it is the same for many of us. It is a constant battle in our minds between what we know we should do and simply what we know we shouldn't do! It sounds so easy! But how can it be so confusing?

I think it just has to do with the fact that I'm human. Ugh. At times like this I don't want to be human. I want to be something beyond human. Or maybe it's the other way. What I am right now is below human. And I must strive to become a true human. Is that it?

Confusing stuff, dude.

why hello there.

With summer approaching, I am looking forward to having extensive time for myself - to read, watch movies, chill. That's one thing I really don't like about school. It forces you to study certain things when you might want to undergo some of your own discoveries in methods otherwise. Of course, one can read and do all that while in school. But having time solely dedicated to one's own endeavors I think allows so much more focus.

"Tick Tock" has proved to be immensely successful and I continue to be so impressed by some of the messages I receive. No kidding, I have received emails from people saying how "Tick Tock" or my other films have changed their lives. One man wrote from Spain how he had been in depression and nothing motivated him until he saw "Tick Tock." My goodness! Just this connection we are able to have with others we've never met before is incredible - especially now with the wide usage and practicality of the internet. What the technology today is allowing I think people at times underestimate. And we must always remember that this technology is not there for its own sake; no, it is there to make us more human, and to allow for more of these types of connections - which I feel is one of the most important things. Now I more understand what it meant when the main character in "Into the Wild" wrote in his journal: "Happiness only real when shared." I find that no matter how many views "Tick Tock" got, or how many comments it received - I was only truly affected when I was made aware of the positive impact it made on people. The superficial happiness received from the success of money and fame and those things are so temporary. But this lasting connection with other people is a source of such a more genuine type of happiness. Reminds me of this quote I recently heard from "Before Sunrise" where a character said something about how magic doesn't exist within us, but rather around us. It exists in that little space between you and me - and when we connect and have some sort of relationship. So much to think about.

On a completely different note, these days I am thinking more about how to really be myself. Here at Oxford, I feel people know my outer layers - the one where I am fun, outgoing, and a dude who makes films. But that other deeper side of me, nobody here knows anything about. It's as if these people only know one half of me - and how do I go about changing this? Am I supposed to all of a sudden just start acting serious and mature? But this is so hard to do. The way I act here - my image, my atmosphere - it's all been solidified throughout the almost two years of college. The same goes with cliques and social groups. It is so sad for me because even if I want to meet new people and find new friends, the social structure makes it so hard for me to do so. I am already known to be a part of "this group" and so I cannot break away so easily, because then it would seem like exactly that: breaking away. There must be some way for me to smoothly reach out to new people and also maintain what friendships I have already. This is something for me to keep thinking about and hopefully solve. Hopefully this situation will much improve when I go to main campus next year as well, where I may be able to meet many new people and show people who I am as a whole - not just as a half.

feb 6

The title is so original, eh?

A dump of my random thoughts:

1. I think I like list formats quite a bit. They make things seem more organized.

2. I'm getting better at holding back things to say out loud - as seconds thoughts make me smarter. There's really no need to mention things like "he's an idiot" or "yea i donated to that charity once." Y'know, things like that. Judgments are never really a good thing. And acts of goodness or statements portraying my self pride/righteousness I can keep to myself with God as my witness.

3. Ironically, having a single room makes me feel less lonely - as now I can very comfortably have alone time in which I write, meditate, read, etc. I guess having that time for myself is in a way, interacting with my "other" me that satisfies some kind of subtle desire for thought and quite time.

4. The making of the film "Crippled" was not only a process of a few weeks - but generations worth of decisions, thoughts, actions, and lives in general. Similarly, I must apply that knowledge to make the best decisions now for my own children and their children. In life, I must not live selfishly, but with remembrance of the past and future. You should read Siddhartha.

5. The amount of monetary success, fame, or reputation I accomplish in life is of total irrelevance to how well and righteously I actually live life. At any level of any type of success can one find any level of life-living caliber. Therefore, I also must be slow in judging others I see "below" or "above" myself.

6. Been watching Palme d'or winning films lately. So very different from Hollywood films, which is a good thing. I realize many of them (the Palm d'or films) are very ambiguous in terms of theme or message. Rather, the films are more realistic in that it is the audience's responsibility to come up with some type of conclusion. But at the same time, I believe artists have the responsibility to show audiences the door to a particular type of conclusion. The burden of choosing whether or not to go through that door is up to the audience. Completely realistic films I find somewhat...not as ideal as they could be. Same with life. Complete realism in life bores me. I like people who are a bit unrealistic - as they are more ambitious, imaginative, and alive.

sorry for a late response

My goodness, it's been a while.

1. Semester's over. Got good grades. Best ever, as a matter of fact.

2. The usual issues with relationships. But now it's over. That's a good thing.

3. Been thinking much about the ideas of friendship, knowledge vs wisdom, and art.

4. I have FLUNG myself into the deepest pit of fire, hoping that by the time I fall to the bottom the fire will have gone out and water will have replaced it. In other words, I'm undergoing the most ambitious film project I've ever done. If I fail, I'm doomed.

5. What am I going to do. I need to find the BEST actors possible, or else the film is doomed.

6. What am I going to do. I don't even have a solidified crew. The film may be doomed.

7. What am I going to do. In high school I always had a loyal filmmaking buddy. Oxford has nobody of the likes. The film may be doomed.

8. I am SO EXCITED about this film! Holy crap! If everything goes to plan and I'm able to organize auditions to be able to find the best actors possible, this film is going to BLOW people's minds away! I can't wait to see it come alive! This is an awesome learning experience! The film is going to be awesome!

Yes, that's what my life is consisted of these days.

a haiku

the sight of all good

a needle in my own mind

here, acupuncture

ha.

Why...

is the most right thing to do also the most hardest thing to do?

Within everyone in a sense there are two wills: the "earthly" will (if you will) that craves superficiality. and then there is the "right" will which despite what the earthly will wants, knows what is ultimately right. between these two forces is much ambiguity at times. but in other cases, the line is clear and one knows what is best to do.

it's just, sometimes that damn earthly will can seem so convincing. what an asshole that will is. i think it should just go away and crash and burn and die like a slug that has been thrown into a pot of salt.

it is the people who have the ability to side with the "right" side consistently that rise to "majestic heights." and it is precisely because doing the right thing consistently is so hard that the word "majestic" is used to describe those heights. after all, there are not many people who reach that place.

but i'd like to.

what the korean market told me yesterday

well, rather not what the korean market itself told me. but what a part of myself told another part of myself while shopping at the korean market.

my friend and i went to shop there to get food for the rest of the week. he said "just pay 20 bucks, i'll pay for the rest." upon hearing this, i was glad, since i knew we were definitely going to get over 40 bucks worth of food. towards the end of our shopping, i spotted some delightful korean popsicles i like. without much thought i said, "mmm, those would be good" to which my friend responded "well then add 'em to the cart!"

a look at the price tag told me the box of popsicles was 5 bucks. that's not small money, and to make my friend pay for that just for my own pleasure would be selfish. but then i realized in my head "waaaaitt, i'm paying 20 bucks. so i guess i'm paying for the popsicles too!" in the end, we bought the popsicles. but who paid for them? were the popsicles included in my 20 dollar contribution? or did my friend pay for it all with the rest of the fees?

you see, this is just like ethics. would you kill 1 man to save 2 others? what if the other 2 people were old? what if they were mentally retarded and old? what if that one man you were going to kill was a hobo with no life? in the end, a decision is made on the part of the individual, not always including the scenario outlined above - but in daily life. we make these moral decisions in our lives and perhaps too many people emphasize ethics too much? how we interpret decisions and events is exactly that - it's how we interpret them. maybe the scenario of deciding between that 1 man and the other two has no right or wrong answer. maybe it's all in our heads.

the important thing is - we must act. sitting there like an idiot not making any decision is the worst thing to do: yet it's the very thing so many of us do consciously and unconsciously. knowing that moving forward is always better than nothingness is the first step to achieving any type of achievement. the majority of humanity sits there with fears: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, fear of getting hurt, fear of outcasting, fear of effin' anything! that's why they don't try some new crap. but that's not what's important. what's important is that we "realize that there is something more important than fear." that only by taking action do we learn - and from that very same learning do we learn to make better decisions in the future.

that's the only way. just do it. and then just do some more. and then after that. just keep doing it! woohoo!