ironies of life

Well, before summer began I vowed that I'd read, write, and read some more when summer actually came around. I said to myself that I'd finish volumes of books in just a few days. I said I'd write a couple screenplays - feature length. But what happened? Summer came around and I decided to bum out. What a hypocrite I am, geez. I swear, hating school so much took much energy out of me. But perhaps it is necessary sometimes to just chill and do nothing. Often times I find that if I haven't accomplished anything for a while, when I get back to school I'm supercharged. But of course, that's not the most healthy way to handle that situation...That superchargedness fades after a bit anyways. Sad.

So how does one muster the motivation to actually read those volumes and write those screenplays?

Possibilities:

1. Motivation is like the wind. You can't really control it. You just wait for it and make the best use of it when it comes.

2. Motivation is not like the wind, but rather like the momentum of a heavy object. Once you start rolling it by doing something positive, more motivation follows! And so begins the healthy cycle of "doing".

3. Motivation is a hidden switch in our minds. One must figure out SOME way to trigger it - whether it be through constantly searching for inspiration, new ideas, etc. This type of motivation is much based on an individual's context - who he/she hangs around, what events he/she goes to, etc.

4. Motivation is a series of physiological reactions that occur in our brains. You can get more if it by taking some pills.

5. Motivation is...what the hell is it?

I like to think #2 is the most accurate answer. Yet it is still so hard to begin that process of moving. And I think it is the same for many of us. It is a constant battle in our minds between what we know we should do and simply what we know we shouldn't do! It sounds so easy! But how can it be so confusing?

I think it just has to do with the fact that I'm human. Ugh. At times like this I don't want to be human. I want to be something beyond human. Or maybe it's the other way. What I am right now is below human. And I must strive to become a true human. Is that it?

Confusing stuff, dude.