New beginnings. Again.

So it's 1:27am on the day that I'm about to move into my school apartment to go into RA training. Once again, it's another beginning.

Hi hopes.

Meet some new awesome people I must.

Excited to just experience the coming school year full of I dunno what the hell what.

Not sure what to write, actually. Maybe I should write about how I've just been in a very existential mode these past few days. There are these weirdly balanced thoughts in my head in relation to this thing we call life. It's so vastly mysterious and beyond what any individual can understand. The only thing to understand about it is that it's un-understandable. But there's also such beauty in that. We aren't meant to understand.

How many of my Oxford friends read what I write on here? Maybe 10 maximum? Actually, probably ten people maximum read my blog posts in general. I guess that's somewhat of a comfort yet humbling realization.

I must say, what I write here is quite different from the image I have in front of Oxford people. To Oxford people, I'm mostly a somewhat outgoing film dude. How did this image come to be? I'm also a thoughtful dude - at least I like to think so. But that side is harder to bring out. Is it only that it comes out once I'm closer to somebody? So does that mean I'm actually not that close to anybody in college? Or does it just mean the dynamic of my friendships here are still felt as unusual to me compared to high school? Or perhaps is it simply because my name is Ien Chi?

a list

...of randoms things that have been on my mind. if you don't know me well, i like lists. yes, i do. i quite like them.

1. what's the deal with everyone trying to make so many "connections" and "network"? if you don't work hard yourself, you're not gonna get anywhere. to a point, i think networking is kind of useless if you're the kind of person who wants to do something new. and i don't think this only applies to film.

2. that type of perfection within the imperfect - beautiful. what the hell are all these imperfect beings doing in this thing we call life? i don't know, but it's pretty fascinating and beautiful :)

3. all people have their own role to play - but ultimately i think everybody has the same role of trying to be themselves as well - if that makes any sense. ethnicity, job, appearance, age, gender, location - things like these are all ultimately irrelevant. to find one's true self. that is the goal we all have in common.

4. eh? watchu say? i just won the top prizes at the world's largest student film festival? oh shut up.

5. i used to think one's level of "success" is irrelevant to one's coolness. but i am starting to reconsider this. "successful" people have a greater tendency to be cool methinks. but there are certainly exceptions. i think the cooler ones tend to be the ones who were born nowhere near "successful" - and made it up there themselves. what is "cool" you ask? cool = self reflexive, knowledgeable, wise, open-minded, ambitious, thoughtful, disciplined, y'know - things like that.

6. the decision to grow out my hair and the situation surrounding it serves as a microcosm in testing my willpower and willingness to endure through others' opinions/criticism.

"why are you growing out your hair? cut it, man. it looks weird"

"no. i'm going to do this once before i die."

ironies of life

Well, before summer began I vowed that I'd read, write, and read some more when summer actually came around. I said to myself that I'd finish volumes of books in just a few days. I said I'd write a couple screenplays - feature length. But what happened? Summer came around and I decided to bum out. What a hypocrite I am, geez. I swear, hating school so much took much energy out of me. But perhaps it is necessary sometimes to just chill and do nothing. Often times I find that if I haven't accomplished anything for a while, when I get back to school I'm supercharged. But of course, that's not the most healthy way to handle that situation...That superchargedness fades after a bit anyways. Sad.

So how does one muster the motivation to actually read those volumes and write those screenplays?

Possibilities:

1. Motivation is like the wind. You can't really control it. You just wait for it and make the best use of it when it comes.

2. Motivation is not like the wind, but rather like the momentum of a heavy object. Once you start rolling it by doing something positive, more motivation follows! And so begins the healthy cycle of "doing".

3. Motivation is a hidden switch in our minds. One must figure out SOME way to trigger it - whether it be through constantly searching for inspiration, new ideas, etc. This type of motivation is much based on an individual's context - who he/she hangs around, what events he/she goes to, etc.

4. Motivation is a series of physiological reactions that occur in our brains. You can get more if it by taking some pills.

5. Motivation is...what the hell is it?

I like to think #2 is the most accurate answer. Yet it is still so hard to begin that process of moving. And I think it is the same for many of us. It is a constant battle in our minds between what we know we should do and simply what we know we shouldn't do! It sounds so easy! But how can it be so confusing?

I think it just has to do with the fact that I'm human. Ugh. At times like this I don't want to be human. I want to be something beyond human. Or maybe it's the other way. What I am right now is below human. And I must strive to become a true human. Is that it?

Confusing stuff, dude.

why hello there.

With summer approaching, I am looking forward to having extensive time for myself - to read, watch movies, chill. That's one thing I really don't like about school. It forces you to study certain things when you might want to undergo some of your own discoveries in methods otherwise. Of course, one can read and do all that while in school. But having time solely dedicated to one's own endeavors I think allows so much more focus.

"Tick Tock" has proved to be immensely successful and I continue to be so impressed by some of the messages I receive. No kidding, I have received emails from people saying how "Tick Tock" or my other films have changed their lives. One man wrote from Spain how he had been in depression and nothing motivated him until he saw "Tick Tock." My goodness! Just this connection we are able to have with others we've never met before is incredible - especially now with the wide usage and practicality of the internet. What the technology today is allowing I think people at times underestimate. And we must always remember that this technology is not there for its own sake; no, it is there to make us more human, and to allow for more of these types of connections - which I feel is one of the most important things. Now I more understand what it meant when the main character in "Into the Wild" wrote in his journal: "Happiness only real when shared." I find that no matter how many views "Tick Tock" got, or how many comments it received - I was only truly affected when I was made aware of the positive impact it made on people. The superficial happiness received from the success of money and fame and those things are so temporary. But this lasting connection with other people is a source of such a more genuine type of happiness. Reminds me of this quote I recently heard from "Before Sunrise" where a character said something about how magic doesn't exist within us, but rather around us. It exists in that little space between you and me - and when we connect and have some sort of relationship. So much to think about.

On a completely different note, these days I am thinking more about how to really be myself. Here at Oxford, I feel people know my outer layers - the one where I am fun, outgoing, and a dude who makes films. But that other deeper side of me, nobody here knows anything about. It's as if these people only know one half of me - and how do I go about changing this? Am I supposed to all of a sudden just start acting serious and mature? But this is so hard to do. The way I act here - my image, my atmosphere - it's all been solidified throughout the almost two years of college. The same goes with cliques and social groups. It is so sad for me because even if I want to meet new people and find new friends, the social structure makes it so hard for me to do so. I am already known to be a part of "this group" and so I cannot break away so easily, because then it would seem like exactly that: breaking away. There must be some way for me to smoothly reach out to new people and also maintain what friendships I have already. This is something for me to keep thinking about and hopefully solve. Hopefully this situation will much improve when I go to main campus next year as well, where I may be able to meet many new people and show people who I am as a whole - not just as a half.

feb 6

The title is so original, eh?

A dump of my random thoughts:

1. I think I like list formats quite a bit. They make things seem more organized.

2. I'm getting better at holding back things to say out loud - as seconds thoughts make me smarter. There's really no need to mention things like "he's an idiot" or "yea i donated to that charity once." Y'know, things like that. Judgments are never really a good thing. And acts of goodness or statements portraying my self pride/righteousness I can keep to myself with God as my witness.

3. Ironically, having a single room makes me feel less lonely - as now I can very comfortably have alone time in which I write, meditate, read, etc. I guess having that time for myself is in a way, interacting with my "other" me that satisfies some kind of subtle desire for thought and quite time.

4. The making of the film "Crippled" was not only a process of a few weeks - but generations worth of decisions, thoughts, actions, and lives in general. Similarly, I must apply that knowledge to make the best decisions now for my own children and their children. In life, I must not live selfishly, but with remembrance of the past and future. You should read Siddhartha.

5. The amount of monetary success, fame, or reputation I accomplish in life is of total irrelevance to how well and righteously I actually live life. At any level of any type of success can one find any level of life-living caliber. Therefore, I also must be slow in judging others I see "below" or "above" myself.

6. Been watching Palme d'or winning films lately. So very different from Hollywood films, which is a good thing. I realize many of them (the Palm d'or films) are very ambiguous in terms of theme or message. Rather, the films are more realistic in that it is the audience's responsibility to come up with some type of conclusion. But at the same time, I believe artists have the responsibility to show audiences the door to a particular type of conclusion. The burden of choosing whether or not to go through that door is up to the audience. Completely realistic films I find somewhat...not as ideal as they could be. Same with life. Complete realism in life bores me. I like people who are a bit unrealistic - as they are more ambitious, imaginative, and alive.

sorry for a late response

My goodness, it's been a while.

1. Semester's over. Got good grades. Best ever, as a matter of fact.

2. The usual issues with relationships. But now it's over. That's a good thing.

3. Been thinking much about the ideas of friendship, knowledge vs wisdom, and art.

4. I have FLUNG myself into the deepest pit of fire, hoping that by the time I fall to the bottom the fire will have gone out and water will have replaced it. In other words, I'm undergoing the most ambitious film project I've ever done. If I fail, I'm doomed.

5. What am I going to do. I need to find the BEST actors possible, or else the film is doomed.

6. What am I going to do. I don't even have a solidified crew. The film may be doomed.

7. What am I going to do. In high school I always had a loyal filmmaking buddy. Oxford has nobody of the likes. The film may be doomed.

8. I am SO EXCITED about this film! Holy crap! If everything goes to plan and I'm able to organize auditions to be able to find the best actors possible, this film is going to BLOW people's minds away! I can't wait to see it come alive! This is an awesome learning experience! The film is going to be awesome!

Yes, that's what my life is consisted of these days.

a haiku

the sight of all good

a needle in my own mind

here, acupuncture

ha.

Why...

is the most right thing to do also the most hardest thing to do?

Within everyone in a sense there are two wills: the "earthly" will (if you will) that craves superficiality. and then there is the "right" will which despite what the earthly will wants, knows what is ultimately right. between these two forces is much ambiguity at times. but in other cases, the line is clear and one knows what is best to do.

it's just, sometimes that damn earthly will can seem so convincing. what an asshole that will is. i think it should just go away and crash and burn and die like a slug that has been thrown into a pot of salt.

it is the people who have the ability to side with the "right" side consistently that rise to "majestic heights." and it is precisely because doing the right thing consistently is so hard that the word "majestic" is used to describe those heights. after all, there are not many people who reach that place.

but i'd like to.

what the korean market told me yesterday

well, rather not what the korean market itself told me. but what a part of myself told another part of myself while shopping at the korean market.

my friend and i went to shop there to get food for the rest of the week. he said "just pay 20 bucks, i'll pay for the rest." upon hearing this, i was glad, since i knew we were definitely going to get over 40 bucks worth of food. towards the end of our shopping, i spotted some delightful korean popsicles i like. without much thought i said, "mmm, those would be good" to which my friend responded "well then add 'em to the cart!"

a look at the price tag told me the box of popsicles was 5 bucks. that's not small money, and to make my friend pay for that just for my own pleasure would be selfish. but then i realized in my head "waaaaitt, i'm paying 20 bucks. so i guess i'm paying for the popsicles too!" in the end, we bought the popsicles. but who paid for them? were the popsicles included in my 20 dollar contribution? or did my friend pay for it all with the rest of the fees?

you see, this is just like ethics. would you kill 1 man to save 2 others? what if the other 2 people were old? what if they were mentally retarded and old? what if that one man you were going to kill was a hobo with no life? in the end, a decision is made on the part of the individual, not always including the scenario outlined above - but in daily life. we make these moral decisions in our lives and perhaps too many people emphasize ethics too much? how we interpret decisions and events is exactly that - it's how we interpret them. maybe the scenario of deciding between that 1 man and the other two has no right or wrong answer. maybe it's all in our heads.

the important thing is - we must act. sitting there like an idiot not making any decision is the worst thing to do: yet it's the very thing so many of us do consciously and unconsciously. knowing that moving forward is always better than nothingness is the first step to achieving any type of achievement. the majority of humanity sits there with fears: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, fear of getting hurt, fear of outcasting, fear of effin' anything! that's why they don't try some new crap. but that's not what's important. what's important is that we "realize that there is something more important than fear." that only by taking action do we learn - and from that very same learning do we learn to make better decisions in the future.

that's the only way. just do it. and then just do some more. and then after that. just keep doing it! woohoo!

So here I am...

3am in the ROK where I am. I think I have insomnia. Let's hope I don't become a terrorist, now.

Now, why is it so easy for me to become blinded by my own selfishness? This is a huge dilemma. This has become a dilemma in the first place because all my life, I have only lived on this body I live in now. I have never ever experienced the consciousness or physical feelings of a significant other.

Yet, I know that the collective of humanity has an identity of itself and that the reader - you are in me and I am in you. 'Tis an interesting balance. Maybe in the end, we all start with our collective self and life is a life-long struggle to find our true individual selves and identities.

that easy class versus that good class

So, I am slowly beginning to get back into the mode of where I'd like to go back to school again. But this time it's a little different. Whereas before I was determined to get the best grades ever, I am now determined to do some actual learning. You see, there is a huge problem in our society that directly correlates numbers to success. This is very unfortunate indeed since a large population of those who actually contributed much to the world is deemed as "failures" in terms of academia. Well, I think I'm smarter than that.

Nothing much more to say here. Well, other than the fact that most of my learning actually comes from outside of the classroom.

Why is US higher education so expensive???

yea so...

humans trying to change humans just doesn't work. what works is humans having true passion to carry out certain acts that can then change other people. people don't change people, things and events change people - like passion and fear and hatred and etc etc etc. in other words: changing people is not the job of people, but rather a job only God can do.

in another related tip, don't spoil anybody - even if you like the other party a lot. it just makes it harder for both parties. and you will start to be taken for granted. "everything in moderation, even moderation" - Mark Twain

meditation, happiness, and a lego truck

I am bored. What should I write about today?

Recently, I've been encountering some stress. And also recently, I've been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" I vowed to read this book ever since I saw her talk on TED.com (you should go see it). In the book, she talks about meditation in India. One way to happiness, according to some Indian monks, is by coming to the realization that both happiness and sorrow are inevitable in our lives. Therefore, it is wiser to detach from these potentially very emotional experiences, accept it as it happens, and go on. Then, one does not need to be overcome with sorrow every time something sorrowful happens. Because as I said before, it's not the thing that happens that is bad, it's how people interpret the event that makes it bad. And if one achieves this respectful status, one can achieve a type of constant state of happiness/joy, knowing that life is going the way it should be.

I tried thinking like this. Long story short: it's really hard. And I think I should try meditating regularly. I used to do it a little, but I'm still very much a noob.

In other news, I have been working on this huge lego truck my brother got long ago. He waited for me to come and help him because it's an extremely complicated piece of lego-ness. I'm making this thing and many times I'm just like "who took the time to think up of this, make it, organize instructions for it, and write 4 assembly books for it???" And yes, it must have been a group effort of a lot of people. But how many simple things in life do we take for granted? That shirt you're wearing, somebody had to get the cotton, process it, dye it, design the shirt, cut the fabric, ship it everywhere, wholesale it, retail it, advertise for it, put a brand on it, etc etc etc. I mean, goodness gracious! All around us are the results of thousands if not tens of thousands of people! And this lego truck I'm building ironically is: me trying to build a truck out of the scrap pieces of lego which are the work of some ambitious people over at LEGO.

Unrelated to my previous point: it seems, a main purpose of LEGO is to provide people with the means to build their own creations. What a great idea.

Rejected, but differently.

So I am in Korea now.

Time to break a secret to you guys. I applied to transfer to Emory College a year early. And yes, I spent a lot of time and effort preparing that application, including taking the SAT again. But upon submitting my application, today I received a notice from the admission office that on page 8 of the Oxford College 2009-2010 catalog, paragraph 3 says "Students may not transfer between Oxford College and Emory College." There was no word of this on Emory College of Oxford College's admission sites. I sent an email to the Emory College dean of admission who just in turn said my application will not be reviewed. So then I emailed President Wagner (yes, I am taking it up to the top). I am still waiting for his reply. But I have little doubt that his answer will be the same.

There are very few things in life that annoy the hell out of me, and this bureaucracy is one of them. In high school, they wouldn't let us film our film club ad in an indoor school basketball court because they said we would need a supervisor, written permission and an ahead-of-time schedule setup. So we just filmed it outside. My goodness.

Anyways, the reason I was trying to transfer was similar to the that of Wonmin's. I many times feel limited at Oxford. Oxford has some great people and all, but way too much of my success (arts competition 1st place, campus moviefest best drama, free speech arts competition 1st place, emory tv, etc etc) takes place at the main campus. And simply put, the main campus has a lot more resources I utilize frequently (including more classes). And I was not going to say this, but I think it's ok seeing that not many people read my blog anyhow. I believe the majority of the population at Oxford lacks ambition. Most Oxford people simply exist, and don't LIVE. A HUGE reason of why places like Harvard or Yale is awesome is because of the people there. Most people around you at Harvard are ridiculously ambitious, studious, responsible, etc etc. And there is so much to learn from that.

But now, I will finish my sophomore year at Oxford. Don't get me wrong. Whatever situation I am in I can learn much. Staying at Oxford is not the end of the world for me. After all, I think (I'm trying not to be cocky here) I have a respectable reputation, I have been chosen as a writing tutor, I've got fun classes lined up, and I will be able to stay with my girlfriend. And with the inevitable vast amounts of time that will be available when bored, I can read and undertake some ambitious endeavors (especially related to film). One of the most important individual lessons I learned while at Oxford was of "just doing it" despite the fact that no one else seems to be doing so. Simply put, I am comfortable enough with myself and my abilities to not "settle" into my situation. I continue to be ambitious and strive to learn on my own. And now, I believe I can do that even in the middle of some hillbilly, uneducated, middle-of-nowhere, lame place. And that's an extremely important ability, because one cannot always depend on their surrounding situations to find greatness. One must sometimes necessarily beat down a path of their own where there is none to ultimately be able to reach the greatest type of success.

free will

Many people believe they have total free will but the truth is, we are all very chained to particular decisions based on our personalities/genes/backgrounds/etc.etc.etc. Therefore, what really matters is the rare ability to break out from what we are comfortable with in terms of decision making and to do what we would not normally do. Then can TRUE change be brought about. You can claim to have all the "free will" in the world, but you won't be truly free until you learn to break out from your false/comfortable/outer self.

Perhaps I will write about freedom in my next post.

As Wonmin says: "On a side note..." I think you should watch the film "Poetry" by director Lee Chang Dong.

Demian

Today, I finished a book called "Demian" - a book which I think a very few number of people can truly understand.

The thing is, I've always felt much of this one idea embodied in the novel as well. Most people think of God as the supreme good and deity that is the morally right. But at the same time, must we not respect the taboo and less popular subjects like sexuality, drinking, hate, etc etc? This is not to say that we must worship the devil and hate everybody. But God is certainly more than just that "good" that people mistake Him for. Sex and drinking are not a bad things, only what many people and most societies have made them into. I forgot what the name of that one Chinese symbol is, but it's the one where it's like a circle half black and half white and there are two black and white dots respectively within the other opposite color.

Without bad, there would be no good. It is the very things that cause our suffering that also empower us to become more human. So once again, it all depends on how we interpret the world around us. In addition, we must explore the totality of the human condition, not just the parts of us we consider "pure." As Hermann Hesse says in the book, a baby chick must encounter hardship and break its way out of the shell before it is truly free. After all, a chick is meant to be free from its shell, or else it would die. We too must learn to break out from the negative paradigms all around us today. We must do what is right, not what is common.

Once again, I tried to fit too many ideas into one short passage. My bad.

The beginning of summer

'Tis the start of a new summer! The potentials of summer include: unhealthy amounts of boredom, fantastic opportunities to catch up in gaming, and chances to start creative projects.

This summer I think I'll:

1. write a feature screenplay

2. attempt to write another screenplay

3. work and make money to buy a good mic, tripod, mac pro, and car. (though i'm not sure in which order i'll buy those things)

4. travel into some very isolated nature place and reflect upon many things

5. ______________ for ______________

I've been asked to make a keynote presentation at the IPLA conference hosted at Oxford. So I will be in the East Village residential complex all by myself from the 10th to the 13th. That should be quite interesting. I'll bust out my Steve Jobs presenting skills.

Keep in mind, the future is not "the future," but rather potential time. Make wise use of it! I have a hard time efficiently doing so, but at least I try.

Today, my most successful endeavor was overcoming my boredom. This is an issue I often face. Therefore, upon watching too much TV, I decided I should do something productive. I forced myself to pay some bills, edit my IPLA keynote, and finally update this blog. 'Tis all much better than doing nothing. In fact, that experiencing the negative is better than doing nothing is what I clearly learned during my time at Oxford. Because, doing nothing is literally doing nothing. Nothing and no thing is accomplished. But if one experiences a negative event, one can learn much from it just by shifting mindsets! Interpretation of situation. I further realize more than before of how much of life is dependent upon our heads. By that I mean, so much of what we do is determined by our interpretations of situations, not the events themselves. It is not the tripping on a lump of concrete that makes me mad, but rather my mindset that tripping on a lump of concrete is embarrassing, stupid, and annoying.

Therefore, go out and "just do it!" Anything! Preferably good! But forget not that there is much to learn from the bad! Without failure, success is impossible! I tried to say too much in this post! I should have focused solely upon one theme! But who cares!

hi

Well, I've just pretty much created this blog to just read others' writings and to respond. They can type their responses on my own blog comments or whatnot. I don't expect I'll be writing too much because I already have my own separate journal. But perhaps once in a while I'll decide to write something of value.