New beginnings. Again.

So it's 1:27am on the day that I'm about to move into my school apartment to go into RA training. Once again, it's another beginning.

Hi hopes.

Meet some new awesome people I must.

Excited to just experience the coming school year full of I dunno what the hell what.

Not sure what to write, actually. Maybe I should write about how I've just been in a very existential mode these past few days. There are these weirdly balanced thoughts in my head in relation to this thing we call life. It's so vastly mysterious and beyond what any individual can understand. The only thing to understand about it is that it's un-understandable. But there's also such beauty in that. We aren't meant to understand.

How many of my Oxford friends read what I write on here? Maybe 10 maximum? Actually, probably ten people maximum read my blog posts in general. I guess that's somewhat of a comfort yet humbling realization.

I must say, what I write here is quite different from the image I have in front of Oxford people. To Oxford people, I'm mostly a somewhat outgoing film dude. How did this image come to be? I'm also a thoughtful dude - at least I like to think so. But that side is harder to bring out. Is it only that it comes out once I'm closer to somebody? So does that mean I'm actually not that close to anybody in college? Or does it just mean the dynamic of my friendships here are still felt as unusual to me compared to high school? Or perhaps is it simply because my name is Ien Chi?

a list

...of randoms things that have been on my mind. if you don't know me well, i like lists. yes, i do. i quite like them.

1. what's the deal with everyone trying to make so many "connections" and "network"? if you don't work hard yourself, you're not gonna get anywhere. to a point, i think networking is kind of useless if you're the kind of person who wants to do something new. and i don't think this only applies to film.

2. that type of perfection within the imperfect - beautiful. what the hell are all these imperfect beings doing in this thing we call life? i don't know, but it's pretty fascinating and beautiful :)

3. all people have their own role to play - but ultimately i think everybody has the same role of trying to be themselves as well - if that makes any sense. ethnicity, job, appearance, age, gender, location - things like these are all ultimately irrelevant. to find one's true self. that is the goal we all have in common.

4. eh? watchu say? i just won the top prizes at the world's largest student film festival? oh shut up.

5. i used to think one's level of "success" is irrelevant to one's coolness. but i am starting to reconsider this. "successful" people have a greater tendency to be cool methinks. but there are certainly exceptions. i think the cooler ones tend to be the ones who were born nowhere near "successful" - and made it up there themselves. what is "cool" you ask? cool = self reflexive, knowledgeable, wise, open-minded, ambitious, thoughtful, disciplined, y'know - things like that.

6. the decision to grow out my hair and the situation surrounding it serves as a microcosm in testing my willpower and willingness to endure through others' opinions/criticism.

"why are you growing out your hair? cut it, man. it looks weird"

"no. i'm going to do this once before i die."

ironies of life

Well, before summer began I vowed that I'd read, write, and read some more when summer actually came around. I said to myself that I'd finish volumes of books in just a few days. I said I'd write a couple screenplays - feature length. But what happened? Summer came around and I decided to bum out. What a hypocrite I am, geez. I swear, hating school so much took much energy out of me. But perhaps it is necessary sometimes to just chill and do nothing. Often times I find that if I haven't accomplished anything for a while, when I get back to school I'm supercharged. But of course, that's not the most healthy way to handle that situation...That superchargedness fades after a bit anyways. Sad.

So how does one muster the motivation to actually read those volumes and write those screenplays?

Possibilities:

1. Motivation is like the wind. You can't really control it. You just wait for it and make the best use of it when it comes.

2. Motivation is not like the wind, but rather like the momentum of a heavy object. Once you start rolling it by doing something positive, more motivation follows! And so begins the healthy cycle of "doing".

3. Motivation is a hidden switch in our minds. One must figure out SOME way to trigger it - whether it be through constantly searching for inspiration, new ideas, etc. This type of motivation is much based on an individual's context - who he/she hangs around, what events he/she goes to, etc.

4. Motivation is a series of physiological reactions that occur in our brains. You can get more if it by taking some pills.

5. Motivation is...what the hell is it?

I like to think #2 is the most accurate answer. Yet it is still so hard to begin that process of moving. And I think it is the same for many of us. It is a constant battle in our minds between what we know we should do and simply what we know we shouldn't do! It sounds so easy! But how can it be so confusing?

I think it just has to do with the fact that I'm human. Ugh. At times like this I don't want to be human. I want to be something beyond human. Or maybe it's the other way. What I am right now is below human. And I must strive to become a true human. Is that it?

Confusing stuff, dude.

why hello there.

With summer approaching, I am looking forward to having extensive time for myself - to read, watch movies, chill. That's one thing I really don't like about school. It forces you to study certain things when you might want to undergo some of your own discoveries in methods otherwise. Of course, one can read and do all that while in school. But having time solely dedicated to one's own endeavors I think allows so much more focus.

"Tick Tock" has proved to be immensely successful and I continue to be so impressed by some of the messages I receive. No kidding, I have received emails from people saying how "Tick Tock" or my other films have changed their lives. One man wrote from Spain how he had been in depression and nothing motivated him until he saw "Tick Tock." My goodness! Just this connection we are able to have with others we've never met before is incredible - especially now with the wide usage and practicality of the internet. What the technology today is allowing I think people at times underestimate. And we must always remember that this technology is not there for its own sake; no, it is there to make us more human, and to allow for more of these types of connections - which I feel is one of the most important things. Now I more understand what it meant when the main character in "Into the Wild" wrote in his journal: "Happiness only real when shared." I find that no matter how many views "Tick Tock" got, or how many comments it received - I was only truly affected when I was made aware of the positive impact it made on people. The superficial happiness received from the success of money and fame and those things are so temporary. But this lasting connection with other people is a source of such a more genuine type of happiness. Reminds me of this quote I recently heard from "Before Sunrise" where a character said something about how magic doesn't exist within us, but rather around us. It exists in that little space between you and me - and when we connect and have some sort of relationship. So much to think about.

On a completely different note, these days I am thinking more about how to really be myself. Here at Oxford, I feel people know my outer layers - the one where I am fun, outgoing, and a dude who makes films. But that other deeper side of me, nobody here knows anything about. It's as if these people only know one half of me - and how do I go about changing this? Am I supposed to all of a sudden just start acting serious and mature? But this is so hard to do. The way I act here - my image, my atmosphere - it's all been solidified throughout the almost two years of college. The same goes with cliques and social groups. It is so sad for me because even if I want to meet new people and find new friends, the social structure makes it so hard for me to do so. I am already known to be a part of "this group" and so I cannot break away so easily, because then it would seem like exactly that: breaking away. There must be some way for me to smoothly reach out to new people and also maintain what friendships I have already. This is something for me to keep thinking about and hopefully solve. Hopefully this situation will much improve when I go to main campus next year as well, where I may be able to meet many new people and show people who I am as a whole - not just as a half.

feb 6

The title is so original, eh?

A dump of my random thoughts:

1. I think I like list formats quite a bit. They make things seem more organized.

2. I'm getting better at holding back things to say out loud - as seconds thoughts make me smarter. There's really no need to mention things like "he's an idiot" or "yea i donated to that charity once." Y'know, things like that. Judgments are never really a good thing. And acts of goodness or statements portraying my self pride/righteousness I can keep to myself with God as my witness.

3. Ironically, having a single room makes me feel less lonely - as now I can very comfortably have alone time in which I write, meditate, read, etc. I guess having that time for myself is in a way, interacting with my "other" me that satisfies some kind of subtle desire for thought and quite time.

4. The making of the film "Crippled" was not only a process of a few weeks - but generations worth of decisions, thoughts, actions, and lives in general. Similarly, I must apply that knowledge to make the best decisions now for my own children and their children. In life, I must not live selfishly, but with remembrance of the past and future. You should read Siddhartha.

5. The amount of monetary success, fame, or reputation I accomplish in life is of total irrelevance to how well and righteously I actually live life. At any level of any type of success can one find any level of life-living caliber. Therefore, I also must be slow in judging others I see "below" or "above" myself.

6. Been watching Palme d'or winning films lately. So very different from Hollywood films, which is a good thing. I realize many of them (the Palm d'or films) are very ambiguous in terms of theme or message. Rather, the films are more realistic in that it is the audience's responsibility to come up with some type of conclusion. But at the same time, I believe artists have the responsibility to show audiences the door to a particular type of conclusion. The burden of choosing whether or not to go through that door is up to the audience. Completely realistic films I find somewhat...not as ideal as they could be. Same with life. Complete realism in life bores me. I like people who are a bit unrealistic - as they are more ambitious, imaginative, and alive.

sorry for a late response

My goodness, it's been a while.

1. Semester's over. Got good grades. Best ever, as a matter of fact.

2. The usual issues with relationships. But now it's over. That's a good thing.

3. Been thinking much about the ideas of friendship, knowledge vs wisdom, and art.

4. I have FLUNG myself into the deepest pit of fire, hoping that by the time I fall to the bottom the fire will have gone out and water will have replaced it. In other words, I'm undergoing the most ambitious film project I've ever done. If I fail, I'm doomed.

5. What am I going to do. I need to find the BEST actors possible, or else the film is doomed.

6. What am I going to do. I don't even have a solidified crew. The film may be doomed.

7. What am I going to do. In high school I always had a loyal filmmaking buddy. Oxford has nobody of the likes. The film may be doomed.

8. I am SO EXCITED about this film! Holy crap! If everything goes to plan and I'm able to organize auditions to be able to find the best actors possible, this film is going to BLOW people's minds away! I can't wait to see it come alive! This is an awesome learning experience! The film is going to be awesome!

Yes, that's what my life is consisted of these days.

a haiku

the sight of all good

a needle in my own mind

here, acupuncture

ha.